1. People who are optimistic, confident, and demonstrate competence generate trust. Are you one of these?
2. However, talking to people at this point is pretty second nature to me. I guess it also helps that I have an hour long conversation with a complete stranger 3 times a week for the podcast. I will start conversations with anybody who is standing next to me if I’m out at a bar or even if I’m sitting on my surfboard between waves.
3. Walking up to people you don't know and striking up a conversation is the social equivalent of skydiving. It's fun and interesting, but risky. It might also change your life. If you make the effort despite your fears about talking to strangers, you might accidentally have the time of your life. So, read on aspiring social skydiver.
4. Practice until talking to strangers is second nature.
5. The best way to practice is to set weekly goals.
6. Attend social events by yourself.
7. The more you think about it, the more anxious you'll get. When you see someone you want to talk to, break the ice immediately, before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it. The adrenaline of the moment will carry you past your nerves.
8. But no one knows how nervous you are but you! Just pretend you're more confident than you actually feel, and the person you're talking to will see what you want them to see.
9. Fake it till you make it
10. Remember, the more you practice talking to strangers, the less you'll have to fake your confidence.
11. But as a shy person, you know perfectly well that sometimes, people just don't feel like talking. If someone rejects your approach, don't take it personally!
12. Don’t let rejection get you down
14. Try to see failure as exciting — it’s a chance to learn and improve
15. People don’t bite. The worst thing that can happen is that someone will say they're busy or want to be left alone. That's not the end of the world!
16. Nobody's watching or thinking about you but you. Don't worry about people laughing at you — they're all busy thinking about themselves.
17. If you look anxious or grim when you open up a conversation, you’re going to put the other person on edge immediately.
18. Even if you feel like a mess inside, try to look relaxed and friendly to put other people at ease. This will result in better, longer conversations.
19. Make eye contact. Instead of fiddling nervously with your phone, look around the room and observe the people. Make eye contact with people to see who else is looking for conversation.
20. Smile whenever you make eye contact with people, even if you don't plan to talk them. It both gives you practice in non-verbal communication and raises the odds of someone being receptive to a conversation.
21. Open up your body language. Throw your shoulders back, stick your chest out, and raise your chin. The more confident you look, the more people will want to talk to you.
22. Don't cross your arms over your chest. People might interpret crossed arms to mean that you're closed off or uninterested in conversation.
23. Open nonverbally before you start talking to someone.
24. Others might find it strange if you start talking to them without giving any hints that you were going to approach them. Instead of walking up and starting a surprise conversation with the side of someone's head, ease into it nonverbally. Make eye contact and give a smile to establish a connection before trying to start a conversation.
25. If you're doing a cold-approach (not reacting to something you've both observed), start small. Instead of opening with a question about life goals, just make an observation or ask for a favor:
26. Open with a small interaction.
27. Once you've opened with your small interaction, you want to find out the other person's name. The best way to do that is simply to offer your own name. Etiquette will basically force the other person to introduce themselves in kind. If he ignores your introduction, he's either in a very bad mood or is rude — either way, it's best you don't try to pursue this conversation.
28. After you've finished your opening interaction, just say "I'm [your name], by the way." Offer a firm handshake as you're introducing yourself.
29. "What have you been up to today?" instead of "Are you having a good day?"
"I've seen you here a lot. What keeps you coming back? What's so great about this place?" instead of "Do you come here often?"
30. People enjoy conversations more when they feel like they have something to teach.
31. Finding common ground in a conversation is very important. As strange as it might seem strange, though, a good disagreement can be a great way to form a new relationship. Show the person you're trying to talk to that hanging out with you won't be boring.
32. Keep the debates light-hearted. If you see the other person getting worked up, back off immediately.
33. Make sure to smile and laugh often while debating to let everyone know you're having a good time, not getting upset.
34. A debate about religion or politics might result in hurt feelings, but one about the best travel spots or football team will stay light-hearted and fun. Other safe topics might include movies, music, books, or food.
35. You might be tempted to stick to a prepared list of conversation topics. Doing that would limit the conversation's potential, though! Let the conversation grow organically. You can try to steer it gently toward topics you're more comfortable with, but don't manhandle it awkwardly. If your partner wants to talk about something you don't know much about, just admit it. Ask them to explain it to you and enjoy learning something!
36. Keep it light during a fleeting interaction.
37. Have fun during a longer interaction.
38. You might be at a professional conference. In any networking interaction, you want people to get the impression that you're confident and capable. Even if you feel anxious about talking to a stranger, fake it till you make it.
39. Stick to talking about the industry you work in. Show people that you know your stuff and are good at your job.
40. Never ask closed questions. Always ask open questions.
41. When you ask open question, they are going to give you a long and detailed answer. All you have to do then is ACTUALLY LISTEN to what the other person is saying. Then when you hear something interesting, make a comment about your own experience or ask a more detailed question about that topic.
42. I guess we started sharing more personal details (which tends to happen if you are being a good listener) during the conversation. I had mentioned that there was a brief period in my entrepreneurial career where I was selling a product I wasn’t proud of and was actually embarrassed to be associated with it, and it really sucked my soul dry.
43. You see, when you ask an open question, the other person will tell you all kinds of stuff. Then all you have to do is listen deeply, look for something interesting and either comment on that or ask a clarifying question.
44. If you show more interest in someone, they will often take a deeper interest in you. It’s a natural human instinct to reciprocate, so the more you hear them out, the more they want to hear you out. The “secret” is to hear them out FIRST.
45. When I was younger, when I was having conversations with other people, I would simultaneously have a conversation with my inner voice. The problem with this approach is I wasn’t able to listen deeply to the other person because I was distracted by also listening to myself.
46. The solution is to turn off (or at least turn down) the volume on your inner voice, especially when you’re in the middle of a conversation with another person. Just pay attention to them.
47. ASSUME THE OTHER PERSON IS MORE NERVOUS THAN YOU. The majority of people I know feel at least a little awkward meeting new people (though some people are better at hiding it than others). Most people also tend to assume that everyone else is more socially comfortable than they are.
48. The way to break this cycle is to assume everyone else is more nervous or feels more awkward than you. Then make it your job to help others feel comfortable by reaching out and engaging them. Even if they are not great conversationalists, that’s okay. Just ask them about themselves!
49. The main reason my people skills were functional when I was recruiting was because I happened to do a number of extracurricular activities in high school and college that involved working with other people.
50. Every little bit of interpersonal interaction helps improve those skills. If you can, join groups, clubs, meetups, Toastmasters or industry associations so you have plenty of opportunities to practice.
51. The key is to use the skills in an environment where there’s no downside to doing it poorly.
52. The root cause of these three dynamics is low or diminished self-esteem. One trademark of low self esteem is the presumption that one is somehow inferior to others or, on the flip side, presuming most people are better than you.
53. Another way low self esteem expresses itself is by acting superior to other people. You might notice this as arrogance. When you’re right and have high self esteem, there is no need to convince others you’re right. It’s enough simply to know you are right and they are wrong.
54. This behavior is a severe over-compensation for low self esteem. Basically these kinds of people don’t feel good about themselves and don’t want anyone to discover this “fact”, so they act arrogant and cocky, with a lot of (false) bravado to hide their insecurity.
55. In the general population, I’d say 75% of people are either One Up or One Down. Within McKinsey, its a fairly open secret that 80%+ of McK consultants are One Down-type people—myself included.
56. If you want to develop exceptional people skills, you absolutely, positively have to understand how this dynamic works.
57. You need to learn to recognize it in yourself, recognize it in others, and know how to work with yourself and others, given their tendencies.
58. The key to winning over a One Up client is to let your idea be his idea. He is not threatened by “his” ideas. But he is threatened by an outside idea (that he did not think of himself), especially if it’s a good idea. It is perceived as proof that he wasn’t adequate to the task at hand.
59. When you understand the humanity behind such outwardly aggressive behavior, you learn to feel compassion for the other person. They will detect this and allow you to develop a closer relationship with them because somehow you “get” them.
60. Every meeting should be a conversation, not a sales pitch. Spend at least half of every customer meeting listening. And make certain the conversation is substantive and about real business issues, not just office patter or sports chit-chat.
61. we quickly realized that channels are where your customer is going to look for your product, not necessarily where they will be hanging out.
62. Don’t interrupt them and don’t ask questions until the customer is done talking.
63. Look decent. We have had much better results when we look our best than when we look like we’re homeless. For example, I’ve had better results with my beard trimmed. It may seem a bit shallow but remember, you are talking to strangers whom you gave less than a minute to figure out if they can trust you.
64. Accept the craziness. We have done interviews where people have dropped lines like, “You look like you smoke weed. I love weed, and my problem is…” – in all honest, I should have trimmed my beard. We’ve also had comedic responses like “Honey, my only problem was my ex-husband and he’s gone.” The point is, people are crazy.
65. Accept the rudeness. We have done interviews where people try to trash our idea or believe they are startup experts; and thus try to tell you what you should be doing, Some people simply feel threatened by someone with bigger ambitions, don’t take it personal.
66. Don’t correct your customer unless it’s necessary. Some people perceive it as rude. Does it really matter? Does it affect your value proposition? Ask questions around the issue so you can find out the information you need.
67. Highlight pains and excitement. Make sure you highlight in your notes their pains, things that got them excited and things they hated. It will make analyzing the data that much easier.
68. Lastly, no matter how many times you do it, you probably won’t be able to do the interview in the same order every time. Sometimes because you forget the questions and other times because you learned the pains are completely different from what you were expecting. That’s the beauty of doing personal interviews over surveys and anything with a defined structure; an interview can go many ways so just have a conversation with your customer and let it flow.
69.
Examples:
1. For CEOs, I usually ask, “So how did you get started in XYZ field?” I’ve never gotten anything shorter than a 10-minute answer. I’ve even gotten 30-minute answers.
2. This is a good 80/20 rule of thumb for an introvert: Ask one question and get 10–30 minutes of conversation out of it.
3. It is a good question. So think of a few open-ended questions, and then ask them.
4.
Warnings:
- You won’t know what to say when you approach people.
- You might end up standing around looking uncomfortable.
- You’ll be almost visibly shaking for the first few people you approach.
- You might get off to a good start in a conversation, and then get stuck and won't know what else to say (uncomfortable silences).
- You’ll tell yourself, “This is too hard! I think I’ll just rent a movie instead.”
- Some people will think you're hitting on them.
- Don't feel too big.
Principles:
1. Just Say Hello
2. Don’t Expect Anything
3. Get out of your Head
References:
http://www.caseinterview.com/how-to-talk-to-strangers
http://usabilityworks.com/talking-to-strangers-in-the-street-recruiting-by-intercepting-people/
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